Everyday, I kept on thinking plans and productive things to do but always end up thinking about `him`.

Every post I plan to do always end up having him in it. :( that's why I don't blog about it instead. It would be lame.

Summer. I've been reading a lot of books and watching a lot of movies and series to fight boredom, then in the middle of nowhere, I'll cry. It's...absurd.

I feel like I don't know what's happening to me. This is not supposed to happen. My thoughts always lead me to something I don't want to. I feel like loosing myself. I feel so hollow. LUTANG. SABAW :|

I've been drowning myself of sleep because I think my dreams are way better than everything in my life now. Despite all the sleep, I still feel restless. I laugh, I smile but I'm not happy. :| I feel so alone.

I always think about him. It's eating me up and I have no one to tell how bad I feel. nagdadalawang isip naman ako punuin ng drama and rant itong blog ko :|

He. I've met him on Summer two years ago. He's three years senior than me. We started from a dare/trip, I don't know, We're not really serious that time. It was more of an experiment relationship, he just wants someone he can get along and I too want something new.

Ours was like an open relationship then, NO STRINGS ATTACHED. He was having a vacation then so eventually he needed to leave and it turned out to be a long distance relationship. I told him we can go on under certain circumstances like no pressure at walang selosan. Just like that, It was perfect. It wasn't like other relationship overflowing with I love you's. We were so open and honest to each other. May usapan kami na pag ayaw mo na sabihin mo lang. He told me as long as we're happy, we're still together.

Then one day he told me we're through. I said `OKAY` because I left a note to myself not to fall deep for him because we're just playing, not sure of anything. We're still young, We have priorities, I can't keep him myself. I told myself not to be `stupid` and to accept that anytime we're bound to end. Magsasawa at magsasawa kami sa isa't isa at hindi ako dapat ma-attach sa kanya.

After that we remained friends, a month almost, then he suddenly said he wants me back. Pumayag naman ako kasi gusto ko dn naman. It happened couple of times, he'll say we're through but still remain the same hangang sa sasabihin niya na `one more chance` tapos papayag ulit ako kasi he's special, he's important to me. Hangang isang araw ayaw ko na. It's was becoming a cycle, I still accept him because I love him and I feel that he still loves me but we just can't compromise. I was hoping he would adjust a little for things to be easier. It was an on and off relationship. It was like kami na parang hindi. hindi na kami pero parang kami pa din. We were like loose threads, parang pareho lang kami nagpapakiramdaman. I can't say `I love you` to him because it's awkward for me. I not a cheesy girl. I was like never sure of anything between us so I decided to call it quits.

I just got tired of the set up. He'll talk to me whenever he wants and I can't complain because I can't be jealous or demanding. I can't demand time from him because I know he has priorities. Pero ano ba naman yung magkusa man lang siya, to give me a little priority without me asking from him. Nagsawa na ko na kami pero feeling ko single ako kasi hindi ko na siya maramdaman. I don't really mind it that time, lalo na nung naging busy ako nung 2nd year. We never really had a closure. :|

I never told anyone about him, only a few friends knows him but I never told the whole story. I never mind it though, I wasn't sure if they would believe me because some people see LDR as a non working relationship. I never boast I have a boyfriend or confess my frustrations to any of them because I DON'T WANT JUDGEMENTS. Ayoko ng relasyon na maraming opinion, maraming nakikisawsaw. I cherished privacy then.

The time I finally said we're over, I was crushed. I was so down but I can't tell it to anyone. Only to Lorielle because she's the only person I know that would understand that kind of things and I know she'll keep it to herself. I wasn't OKAY but I HAVE TO BE. Kasi hindi naman ako pwede umiyak na di nila makikita, I don't want questions that time. I was too tired to explain things to people who doesn't know anything. I kept myself busy. I took over most of the task to be busy.

Sorry If I'm telling this long story now. It's just bothering me so much now. I'm not busy so I end up thinking about him most of the time. We still talk, and everytime we do I still hope we'll be like the way we used to be. Happy.

I want to get over it.

I want to move on.

I want to stop hoping.

I want to replace him already, there are other guys. I have crushes. I have friends. I have choices, but I just can't find `someone` who'll be like him. :(

He's not just an ex. There's a something in him I can't find in others. Yung tipong `you'll never get bored or tired talking to` :( He was the one I talk to till dawn with just random things. No exact topic. He's the one who comforted be when most of my friends betrayed me. He's the reason why I stay up late just to talk. Minsan kahit wala ako load basta magtext lang siya magpapaload na ko. Kahit tumawag siya ng madaling araw ok lang.

He's one of the persons I can really be myself without the fear of judgements. He's one of the only person who understands me. :( he's like the bestfriend I never had.

I'm just so fed up of the same people around me. Some of my friends are not really friends. Some of them would just remember me when they need something. When they need help. Sometimes I feel taken for granted. I never really opened myself to any of them because I can sense what they'll think. They don't really know how bad I feel because they never cared :( I never told them what I feel because they won't understand :( they'll just see it the wrong way.

The people around me are all the same, they see me as if I'm okay to be hurt, to be taken for granted. I feel so alone now. I miss him, although we still talk. It can never be like the way we used to.

I'm tired of people asking me why. I want someone who'll just hug me whenever I cry without questions. I want someone to talk to without asking `ano pong topic`. I want someone who won't judge me. I want someone who'll be there other than my mom. I'm tired of feeling this, taken for granted. used. I miss him, I want to stop hoping we can still be. I want the same feeling of happiness again. I miss the feel of being appreciated.

Everyday, I kept on thinking plans and productive things to do but always end up thinking about `him`.

Every post I plan to do always end up having him in it. :( that's why I don't blog about it instead. It would be lame.

Summer. I've been reading a lot of books and watching a lot of movies and series to fight boredom, then in the middle of nowhere, I'll cry. It's...absurd.

I feel like I don't know what's happening to me. This is not supposed to happen. My thoughts always lead me to something I don't want to. I feel like loosing myself. I feel so hollow. LUTANG. SABAW :|

I've been drowning myself of sleep because I think my dreams are way better than everything in my life now. Despite all the sleep, I still feel restless. I laugh, I smile but I'm not happy. :| I feel so alone.

I always think about him. It's eating me up and I have no one to tell how bad I feel. nagdadalawang isip naman ako punuin ng drama and rant itong blog ko :|

He. I've met him on Summer two years ago. He's three years senior than me. We started from a dare/trip, I don't know, We're not really serious that time. It was more of an experiment relationship, he just wants someone he can get along and I too want something new.

Ours was like an open relationship then, NO STRINGS ATTACHED. He was having a vacation then so eventually he needed to leave and it turned out to be a long distance relationship. I told him we can go on under certain circumstances like no pressure at walang selosan. Just like that, It was perfect. It wasn't like other relationship overflowing with I love you's. We were so open and honest to each other. May usapan kami na pag ayaw mo na sabihin mo lang. He told me as long as we're happy, we're still together.

Then one day he told me we're through. I said `OKAY` because I left a note to myself not to fall deep for him because we're just playing, not sure of anything. We're still young, We have priorities, I can't keep him myself. I told myself not to be `stupid` and to accept that anytime we're bound to end. Magsasawa at magsasawa kami sa isa't isa at hindi ako dapat ma-attach sa kanya.

After that we remained friends, a month almost, then he suddenly said he wants me back. Pumayag naman ako kasi gusto ko dn naman. It happened couple of times, he'll say we're through but still remain the same hangang sa sasabihin niya na `one more chance` tapos papayag ulit ako kasi he's special, he's important to me. Hangang isang araw ayaw ko na. It's was becoming a cycle, I still accept him because I love him and I feel that he still loves me but we just can't compromise. I was hoping he would adjust a little for things to be easier. It was an on and off relationship. It was like kami na parang hindi. hindi na kami pero parang kami pa din. We were like loose threads, parang pareho lang kami nagpapakiramdaman. I can't say `I love you` to him because it's awkward for me. I not a cheesy girl. I was like never sure of anything between us so I decided to call it quits.

I just got tired of the set up. He'll talk to me whenever he wants and I can't complain because I can't be jealous or demanding. I can't demand time from him because I know he has priorities. Pero ano ba naman yung magkusa man lang siya, to give me a little priority without me asking from him. Nagsawa na ko na kami pero feeling ko single ako kasi hindi ko na siya maramdaman. I don't really mind it that time, lalo na nung naging busy ako nung 2nd year. We never really had a closure. :|

I never told anyone about him, only a few friends knows him but I never told the whole story. I never mind it though, I wasn't sure if they would believe me because some people see LDR as a non working relationship. I never boast I have a boyfriend or confess my frustrations to any of them because I DON'T WANT JUDGEMENTS. Ayoko ng relasyon na maraming opinion, maraming nakikisawsaw. I cherished privacy then.

The time I finally said we're over, I was crushed. I was so down but I can't tell it to anyone. Only to Lorielle because she's the only person I know that would understand that kind of things and I know she'll keep it to herself. I wasn't OKAY but I HAVE TO BE. Kasi hindi naman ako pwede umiyak na di nila makikita, I don't want questions that time. I was too tired to explain things to people who doesn't know anything. I kept myself busy. I took over most of the task to be busy.

Sorry If I'm telling this long story now. It's just bothering me so much now. I'm not busy so I end up thinking about him most of the time. We still talk, and everytime we do I still hope we'll be like the way we used to be. Happy.

I want to get over it.

I want to move on.

I want to stop hoping.

I want to replace him already, there are other guys. I have crushes. I have friends. I have choices, but I just can't find `someone` who'll be like him. :(

He's not just an ex. There's a something in him I can't find in others. Yung tipong `you'll never get bored or tired talking to` :( He was the one I talk to till dawn with just random things. No exact topic. He's the one who comforted be when most of my friends betrayed me. He's the reason why I stay up late just to talk. Minsan kahit wala ako load basta magtext lang siya magpapaload na ko. Kahit tumawag siya ng madaling araw ok lang.

He's one of the persons I can really be myself without the fear of judgements. He's one of the only person who understands me. :( he's like the bestfriend I never had.

I'm just so fed up of the same people around me. Some of my friends are not really friends. Some of them would just remember me when they need something. When they need help. Sometimes I feel taken for granted. I never really opened myself to any of them because I can sense what they'll think. They don't really know how bad I feel because they never cared :( I never told them what I feel because they won't understand :( they'll just see it the wrong way.

The people around me are all the same, they see me as if I'm okay to be hurt, to be taken for granted. I feel so alone now. I miss him, although we still talk. It can never be like the way we used to.

I'm tired of people asking me why. I want someone who'll just hug me whenever I cry without questions. I want someone to talk to without asking `ano pong topic`. I want someone who won't judge me. I want someone who'll be there other than my mom. I'm tired of feeling this, taken for granted. used. I miss him, I want to stop hoping we can still be. I want the same feeling of happiness again. I miss the feel of being appreciated.